the adventures we belong to

I'm crunching through Laurelhurst Park, pretending to be a photographer, and acting like I'm not lost. I find myself surrounded by dying trees, fall air that bites at my lungs, and a wife.

Ten months ago I was restlessly waiting to make a move: preparing for a trip around the world, finding God again, and falling in love with a girl. Looking back, I see the adventure I belong to is far more incredible than the one I was planning. I'm relearning how to read stories; how to love stories. My mind collapses as I try to comprehend this intricate novel of which I am a part. The deeper I go, the more I realize that this isn't a story of a million different heros working out of their own little corners. This whole thing is a story of The Creator Hero.

I'm back to studying for tests and surviving on minimum wage. And as I learn more about what true love looks like, I see my selfishness running deeper than I ever imagined. The more I try to root it out, the more tenacious it becomes, and I learn to die all over again.

it's a sure thing all bets are off

It's cloudy out today, and most of the trees have not grown back their hair from a leukemia winter. Better Than Ezra is filtering out most of the sounds of the coffee shop, but I can still hear the steam wand spitting angrily. My first question is, who's Ezra? and why are you guys so much better than him?

My sure thing, a job in Cali to pay for a trip to Turkey, is off. They decided to only hire in-state this year. Mistakes happen right? I mean obviously God didn't realize how much I wanted to go on this trip, or how beneficial it would have been for our relationship. Sigh.

The truth is, I'm here. I'm right where I should be. I'm slowly being surrounded by amazing people, people that have the fire of God in their eyes. God is methodically adjusting my vision, and I'm like a camera lens in His hands. He slowly adjusts the focus, pans back, and throws the depth of field into focus. I thought I was the only flower in His field, I was the center of attention, the most beautiful rose. Now He shows me the beauty of The Others, and the diversity in His garden is astounding. I always thought I had the strength within myself to withstand the wind, but He shows me my mangled stem, and the stakes of His love holding me up.

The truth is, I'm happy.

Cheers.

Northwest by Northwest

Back in Oregon. What is it about coming back to the town you grew up in that makes you feel like you haven't grown up at all? Maybe I'll get in a fight on the playground this week just to prove a point. The weather's better than I remember, and the drivers are worse. I'll chalk it all up to global warming.

Steve's Day Planner:

Rise: Whenever

Governor's Cup for coffee: 45 minutes after rising

Lunch: How much coffee did I drink?

Whatever I Want: Rest of the day


Retirement at age 24 is quite an experience, but I refuse to buy a motorhome. The daily routine of neckties and cookie-cutter haircuts seems long gone, and I'm surrounded by tight black jeans, black t-shirts, black hair, and the Northwest is home.

And as I sit, sipping a chai that is only slightly too sweet, I wonder why it took me 20+ years to realize: I'm uncomfortable with Christianity. This religious banter bouncing around my brain has gone from friendly to violent. But the Kingdom of Heaven has been coming on violently, and the violent take it by force. I was king once, or never was, but thought it true. The whisper of Life Abundant has grown to an ear-splitting scream. As much as I give up, I still grab tenaciously to anything I can, hoping to hold onto parts of a Kingdom that was never mine. My borders are shrinking by the minute and being caught in an undertow has never been this great.

And if I am swept out to sea,
Let me be.